


Dear Old Myself

by WhyWhyNot



Category: Daredevil (Comics), Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Blanket Permission, Child Abuse, Complicated Relationships, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Gen, Identity Issues, Minor Character Death, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2020-05-13 19:09:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19257406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyWhyNot/pseuds/WhyWhyNot
Summary: Who is Matt Murdock?





	1. In the present

At the funerals of Fletcher Benjamin Zimmer, Matthew didn’t cry.

( _It’s the shock, you know, losing his father so suddenly…_ )

( _Maybe he can’t cry, you know, with his eyes…_ )

( _He always was an ungrateful little shit…_ )

( _Heartless brat, always making smart-ass comments whenever things went wrong…_ )

At the funerals of Fletcher Benjamin Zimmer, Matthew ignored the whispers and kept his silence.

\---

Matthew goes home after the funerals and pours himself a glass of Zimmer’s most expensive whiskey.

It tastes like victory.

He keeps the rest of the bottle for later and starts to laugh.

He won. He really won.

Things will be better now.


	2. In the past

Mike Murdock is ten years old when his family dies.

Is murdered. Mike Murdock is ten years old when his family is murdered.

(It was fast, at least. They didn’t have the time to suffer. Later, when the nightmares will wake him up, he will be thankful for that, and hates himself for it.)

(He will hate Zimmer more.)

Mike Murdock is ten years old when his family is murdered. When the men in black throw him, tied up and gagged, in the trunk of their car and drive away.

Mike Murdock is ten years old when his family is murdered. When the doctor pulls his head back, under the cold neon light, and pours in his eyes something that burns like white fire.

Mike Murdock is ten years old when his family is murdered. When Zimmer enters the room he has been locked in, heavy bandages around his eyes, and calls him ‘Matthew ‘.

(He never stops using this particular name.)


	3. In the present

When Matt finally gets to his dorm room at Columbia, his roommate is already there.

“Excuse me, is this room 312?  
\- Yeah, I think. Did you look?  
\- Uh, I can’t do that.  
\- Why the hell not ?”

(Not the sharpest tool in the barn. Or, at least, not the more observant.)

Matt raises his cane to show it.

“Because, uh, I’m blind.”

His roommate laughs, and there’s a familiar tap-tap.

(A cane tapped on the floor.)

“So am I!”

There’s a shuffle of fabric, the low sound of creaking bones.

(Standing up. Holding out a hand, maybe, out of thoughtless habit.)

“I’m Matt Murdock! Nice to meet you!”

Matt feels his blood turn to ice.


	4. In the present

It is, Marci thinks, impressive just _how much_ the two Murdocks hate each other.

The funny thing is, they look alike. They have the same height, the same size, the same incredible copper hair, the same uncanny predilection for the color red. Even their faces are somewhat alike.

And, _of course_ , they’re both called Matt Murdock, they’re both blind, and they both live in the dorms, both in room 312.

Really, she, and others, can be forgiven for occasionally mistaking them for each other.

(Although, whenever it happens, they seem more mad at each other than at the one actually making the mistake.)

She should probably keep an eye on them. It might be fun.


	5. In the past

Matt is eighteen when he finally goes home.

(No matter the places where he lived in the past years, and the screams in the dark corners. Hell’s Kitchen will always be his home.)

“Are you sure?” asks Stacy.

Matt nods.

“Well, this is where I leave, then,”she says, and she does exactly that.

Matt is left alone.

(It’s _home_. Surely, things can only get better from there?)

 

Matt Murdock is already in Hell’s Kitchen.

He lives where Matt lived, and he’s blind as Matt is, and he wears the name Matt wears, and he’s working for the career Matt wants, and it’s scary and _wrong_ and Matt is _alone_ and

As far as Hell’s Kitchen is concerned, Matt Murdock never left.


	6. In the present

Aliens.

 _Aliens_.

Fucking _aliens_.

New York is under attack, and Matt is hiding behind a dumpster.

(Matt. Mike. Mike. Matt.)

(What does he call himself now that _the other him_ is back?)

(Who is he supposed to be now?)

One of the… _aliens_ must have noticed him, because it’s walking toward his hiding spot. He holds his breath and tries to make as little sound as possible, hoping he’s wrong, hoping he hasn’t been found, hoping it will pass by him and _leave_ , hoping he will survive this shit storm.

The alien _thing_ stops _right in front of his dumpster_ , and _Matt_ feels his hopes crumble.

And then, there’s a succession of sounds, like flesh hitting flesh, and the thing grunts like in pain, and on impulse, Matt grabs a scaly ankle and _pulls_.

The thing trips and fall.

There’s a few more hits, and a sigh.

“Get out from behind there, we need to get somewhere safer.”

He recognizes this voice.

It’s _fucking_ Matt Murdock.


	7. Chapter 7

It’s not that Mike doesn’t want to read. Not really.

(Reading isn’t his favorite activity, it never was, but he knows he will have too, eventually, for school if nothing else.)

It’s not that Mike don’t want to read.

“I can’t read braille, Mister Zimmer,” says Mike, and it’s true, it’s _true_ , he _can’t_.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Matthew,” answers Zimmer. “Of course you can. The nuns told me you used to read that Thurgood Marshall drivel over and over.  
\- I’m not Matthew.”

There’s a silence, and Mike regrets saying anything.

(Zimmer never seems to be angry, his voice always in the same flat, level tone, and that calm is _worse_ than any screaming.)

(Zimmer doesn’t get mad when he’s angry. He gets _vicious_.)

“Don’t be ridiculous, _Matthew_. Of course you are. Who else would you be?”

Mike thinks about his brother’s small corpse, about the blood on the bathroom tiles. About the _burning_ in his eyes.

(The burning _of_ his eyes.)

Mike stays silent, and keeps running his fingers on the pages.

(He’s not sure who he hates the most, Zimmer or _Matt_.)


	8. Chapter 8

~~Mike~~ Matt spills coffee on _Matt_ ’s papers.

(If they had been normal roommates, it probably wouldn’t have been such an issue.)

(But there’s the name, and the blindness, and the knowledge of what Zimmer did, and they may not have ever talked about it, but they both _know_ anyway.)

(The one responsible is dead, and there is no one left to hate but each other.)

Matt spills coffee on _Matt_ ’s papers.

 _Matt_ snaps.

(It was long overdue.)

And now _Matt_ is screaming, and and ~~Mike Matt hopes the others on their floor don’t hear, because that shit would be a pain to explain.~~

~~(It’s _their_ shit, and the idea of someone, anyone, getting involved feels disturbingly intrusive.)~~

~~_Matt_ screams, months and years of bottled resentment finally spilling out.~~

~~About being adopted by a man who didn’t give a shit about him to get charity points in the papers.~~

~~About being kidnapped.~~

~~About being _replaced_.~~

~~About having his belongings, his name, his story, stolen and given to someone else.~~

~~About being _replaced_. ~~

~~(It’s not fair.)~~

~~(It’s not _fair_.)~~

~~And _Mike_ , in a low and level voice, asks him if he thought he ever wanted any of that.~~

~~If he wanted to be stolen by a man who didn’t give a shit about him to get charity points in the papers.~~

~~If _he_ wanted to be kidnapped. ~~

~~If he wanted to have his parents killed.~~

~~If he wanted to lose his belongings, his name, his story, and another’s forced on him.~~

~~If he wanted to be a _remplacement_.~~

~~“Fuck Zimmer,” Matt says, like a peace offering.~~

~~(It does no good to hate the dead.)~~

~~(It does even less to hate _Matt_.)~~

~~“Fuck Zimmer,” Mike agrees.~~

**Author's Note:**

> Plot wise, this is the weirdest thing I ever wrote.  
> Please leave a comment :)


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